This weekend I had an argument with my mom and her husband about spanking. Their point was that kids need to learn it's a tough world out there. I pointed out that they'll learn that on their own, and don't need me hitting them to learn that ![[smilie=a_doh.gif]](http://southerntierkids.com/phpbb3/images/smilies/a_doh.gif "doh")
and that I'd prefer that home was at least a *bit* of an oaisis where they could escape from the "cruel world". The conversation really got me thinking.
I strongly believe that peace starts at home, and to raise peaceful people we need to treat them peacefully. Does that mean I let my kids do whatever they want? No, of course it doesn't. What it *does* mean is that I'm more likely to try multiple methods (sometimes many!) to change the specific behavior, but really is behavior what it's all about? The view that we're just here to modify our children's behaviors to get them to do what we want sounds manipulative and simplistic, but is prevalent in our society. If our entire relationship with our children is one of control and the occasional game/tickle/whatever then once we're supposed to be moving out of the control phase (i.e. teens and twenties) what kind of relationship are we left with? I've seen this with my parents and I've seen it with my husband's parents. With his parents, we barely talk anymore, with mine, we had to completely reinvent the relationship once I got over the bad relationship we had. I think it made the teen years more rocky than it needed to be.
Ideally, any relationship is built on respect, trust and mutual appreciation, right? I know that's what I expect out of my marriage, and of my friendships. I don't think it's so strange to expect the same mutual respect, trust and appreciation when dealing with our kids. Can our kids really trust us or appreciate us if the feeling is that we only want to control them and that we don't trust them to make decisions for themselves? I know I don't trust those that I feel are only trying to manipulate me, no matter how good their intentions.
My point here is MUTUAL respect, though. You can't get respect if you don't give it. Spanking is just not respectful, but neither is shaming or belittling or ignoring... all of which are extremely common parenting tactics. I know if someone ignores me, I do not feel respected, so I wouldn't ever do it to my child. I mean, really, there's a reason they're feeling the way they're feeling, they just show it in a different way. My job, then, as a parent is to learn the language of the tantrum and figure out how best to respect my child's needs while accomplishing the task at hand. In dangerous situations this could present as physically dragging my screaming child out of the road. In less dangerous situations it could include questioning the importance of the task at hand (do we really need to do this my way or can we do it slightly differently or later to accommodate my child) or even sympathizing with the child's feelings ("I know you don't want to do this, you don't like it, but it's something we have to do").
The problem with the "us" vs. "them" parenting view is that it doesn't foster respect, trust, or appreciation in our children (or ourselves!). Spanking may change behaviors, but the kind of "respect" I'm looking for isn't fear based. Fear based respect, will, in the long run, only teach people to avoid getting caught. This is useless when you're trying to teach a child how to exist in the world.
All this was to say (basically), that parenting is a relationship, and thus how we behave toward our children is *at least* as important as how they behave, but probably waaaaaay more important because they're also learning how to act based on our behaviors.
and that I'd prefer that home was at least a *bit* of an oaisis where they could escape from the "cruel world". The conversation really got me thinking.I strongly believe that peace starts at home, and to raise peaceful people we need to treat them peacefully. Does that mean I let my kids do whatever they want? No, of course it doesn't. What it *does* mean is that I'm more likely to try multiple methods (sometimes many!) to change the specific behavior, but really is behavior what it's all about? The view that we're just here to modify our children's behaviors to get them to do what we want sounds manipulative and simplistic, but is prevalent in our society. If our entire relationship with our children is one of control and the occasional game/tickle/whatever then once we're supposed to be moving out of the control phase (i.e. teens and twenties) what kind of relationship are we left with? I've seen this with my parents and I've seen it with my husband's parents. With his parents, we barely talk anymore, with mine, we had to completely reinvent the relationship once I got over the bad relationship we had. I think it made the teen years more rocky than it needed to be.
Ideally, any relationship is built on respect, trust and mutual appreciation, right? I know that's what I expect out of my marriage, and of my friendships. I don't think it's so strange to expect the same mutual respect, trust and appreciation when dealing with our kids. Can our kids really trust us or appreciate us if the feeling is that we only want to control them and that we don't trust them to make decisions for themselves? I know I don't trust those that I feel are only trying to manipulate me, no matter how good their intentions.
My point here is MUTUAL respect, though. You can't get respect if you don't give it. Spanking is just not respectful, but neither is shaming or belittling or ignoring... all of which are extremely common parenting tactics. I know if someone ignores me, I do not feel respected, so I wouldn't ever do it to my child. I mean, really, there's a reason they're feeling the way they're feeling, they just show it in a different way. My job, then, as a parent is to learn the language of the tantrum and figure out how best to respect my child's needs while accomplishing the task at hand. In dangerous situations this could present as physically dragging my screaming child out of the road. In less dangerous situations it could include questioning the importance of the task at hand (do we really need to do this my way or can we do it slightly differently or later to accommodate my child) or even sympathizing with the child's feelings ("I know you don't want to do this, you don't like it, but it's something we have to do").
The problem with the "us" vs. "them" parenting view is that it doesn't foster respect, trust, or appreciation in our children (or ourselves!). Spanking may change behaviors, but the kind of "respect" I'm looking for isn't fear based. Fear based respect, will, in the long run, only teach people to avoid getting caught. This is useless when you're trying to teach a child how to exist in the world.
All this was to say (basically), that parenting is a relationship, and thus how we behave toward our children is *at least* as important as how they behave, but probably waaaaaay more important because they're also learning how to act based on our behaviors.
